Trials

Most of you already know the basics of what our family has been through the past few weeks, but I wanted to explain a bit more.

In early January, we found out we were expecting another baby...a happy day for us! I went to the doctor in mid-January for my first visit, and the ultrasound was not looking as it should for 6 weeks. The doctor said either I wasn't as far along as we thought, or there was a problem. I did blood work that day & a couple of days later. The 48 hours between the 2 labs were agonizing. I cried & prayed a lot for our new little one. After the second lab, I was told everything looked good & it appeared things were progressing. The following week I returned for another ultrasound, and the doctor said it was a perfect 6 week ultrasound. That was wonderful news for us.

The following week, I took Joshua to the doctor for an ear infection. He was put on a new antibiotic. He was running a slight fever and feeling yucky, but nothing I didn't expect. At bedtime, he had a seizure. We called the paramedics & were taken to Children's Hospital. He was hooked up to many monitors & had an oxygen mask. It was so scary to watch our baby lay there & feel like we were helpless. The doctors told us it was a febrile seizure (caused by a fever). After about 5 hours, we returned home. We took Joshua back to the doctor a few days later for a few more tests. He started throwing up that night, which lasted for 24 hours. After stopping the antibiotics, he seemed much better.

As Joshua started feeling better, I began to have signs that there might be a problem with the pregnancy. Since it was evening, I talked with a friend who is a nurse who told me things were probably fine but told me what to watch for. As the night progressed, things got worse so I called the on-call doctor. He told me to go in the next day for an ultrasound "for reassurance". I was not reassured at this point but convinced that there was in fact a problem. I was able to get an appointment at lunch time the next day. When the ultrasound image came up on the screen & was finally still, I knew that it wasn't good. I don't know much about ultrasounds, but I knew where the baby was & knew there should be a heartbeat...there wasn't. Then the ultrasound technician said "There hasn't been any growth since your 6 week ultrasound....there is no heartbeat....I'm so sorry". She explained that this had happened soon after my 6 week ultrasound but there had not been any indications that there was a problem until the night before. It really did feel like my world had ended. We waited & talked to my doctor about what would happen next. He was great. I have never been more thankful to have a doctor who believes the same things that I do. He assured us that this wasn't our fault & that miscarriage this early in pregnancy is usually due to a problem with the baby, meaning he/she just wasn't healthy enough to survive. He prayed with us & we were on our way home.

The next 48 hours were very difficult emotionally, to say the least. I have never been more heart-broken in my entire life. The hardest part is knowing that I wouldn't get to see or hold my baby....at least not until we meet in heaven. Things have gotten easier as the days have gone by. There has been much comfort from the truth that I know. I am thankful that Scripture is very clear about God...He is loving, faithful, good, and in control of all of our circumstances. He knew that this day was coming....it wasn't a surprise to Him. I am thankful for the Scriptures I had learned in the past that were suddenly so applicable to me & so comforting. Psalm 139 has been one of my favorites through the beginning questions with the pregnancy & through the miscarriage....He knew the days ordained for us before any of them came to be. He already knew that our second baby would be called home before birth.

It has been a week, and our home is again filled with laughter. I guess its hard not to laugh when you have a 15 month old who is constantly entertaining you. We are still sad over the loss of our baby, but know we will see & hold him/her in eternity. We also know he/she is with our Savior & there is nothing in this world that could compare to that. Thank you for all of your prayers during these difficult weeks. It has meant a ton to us!